Now don't be fooled into thinking I enjoyed the programme. Far from it. I only tuned in for two reasons. The first, obviously, to see what Ms Chung was wearing. You have to understand this wasn't pleasure. I call it research. Because week after week, sack dress after sack dress, I still covet the blasted girls wardrobe.
The second reason being my rage reason. I haven't felt so fired up since I discovered Mark Owen lied about his age when I was 14. I quite like feeling the rage, so I indulged my angry self by watching it. The programme went a little something like this. The Gokfather (I can think of plenty more suitable names for him, but I shall bite my tongue in this instance. Sailor chic is very now but I don't think it goes as far as my language) challenges four fashionistas to a 'catwalk off' (hold your vomit for now). They're given a trend each week to dress their models in, and the audience vote for their favourite. The fashionistas have a blow-out budget, whilst Gok has to do cheap chic.
"How enjoyable" you may think. So did I. And it was - watching Gok run amok Primark like us "normal folk" was strangely appealing. But that's where the fun ends. Because Mr Wan can't simply dress his models off the rack and send them on their merry way. Oh no. He has to get his filthy little hands on the frocks and, sharp intake of breath, customise them. Don't get me wrong, I love a little bit of customising. In fact, I often applaud it. But Gok, of course, takes it to the extreme. He cuts off straps, rips skirts and makes the final outfit look as though the models have spent 20 minutes rolling gaily around a Haberdashery. With their eyes closed.
But the bit that really took the biscuit (quite literally, as I was eating a Sainsbury's Choc Chip and Hazelunt cookie at the time. You must try them, they're simply delicious!) involved a pearl and diamond earring being stuck to a pair of New Look heels. And then he had the cheek to make the outlandish claim that they rivalled any pair of £400 Louboutins. If dear Christian heard that, I'd imagine (and dream, many many times) that he'd stab Gok in the eye with a 4 inch heel. I wouldn't be surprised if Gok suggests painting the soles of shoes next season to give them that 'designer' feel.
Miraculously, Gok's "individual" looks (and I mean that in every sense of the word), win every time. Quelle surprise. Because of course the audience want to look like the McQueen's on a hen night. Obviously.
Grrrrrrrrrr. He is not the saviour of fashion. He is the satan of fashion.
